Kat-Lyn D.

When I write, I write from the heart. There isn't an organization to it or a specific direction I'm going in. I just write what I feel. One day I would like to be able to organize my thoughts, but at the moment I am just grateful to be able to write words and feel brave enough to publish them. If anybody reads this and can appreciate it, that's another cherry on top. If you don't understand it, or it's not for you, that's fine too. Maybe this is just my catharsis. Maybe it's my way of taking back control of my narrative. Either way, I'm glad I'm doing it. 

For a long time I fought with myself about whether I'd write again. I always wanted to, but I never felt capable. Truthfully, writing is a soul-wrenching occupation, and no matter how fictitious (or not) one's works may be, there is a certain level of self-evident truth one has to wrestle with internally. I always aspired to "Edgar Allan Poe it"--there's a certain level of inspiration one can receive from psychedelics, but I'm too poor for pure opium, and marijuana is not yet legal here in North Carolina. I will always say deactivating this page in 2012 was absolutely the worst thing I could have ever done--even if I still have the encrypted pages. While young-minded, they were pure, unadulterated thoughts. Genuine. Sincere. A version of myself that I can only struggle to remember.

So it's been a while, huh? I know, I know. I say that a lot. But the way my anxiety and depression are set up, I've been dealing with a lot of inner demons that I had no idea were actually preparing me for this very moment.

I mean, I haven't been here in a minute, I know, hon, drag me. But since depression is a bitch, and anxiety is her mother; there ain't really shit I can do about that, is there?

I gave this some thought. Some will be able to contribute, others may not. I don't want to skip around making false promises, but any contribution will definitely help toward more posts in the future as my writing is lots of times put to the side because of financial issues. If this blog has ever helped you in any way, before the deletion or any time after, if you've ever enjoyed any of my works, please, feel free to donate here . If you enjoy my work, be sure to share it with your friends. Thanks so much. I'll probably be including this link and post at the end of any of my posts until I either no longer need to, or just plain out give up, but I figured this was a way to get the info out there to anyone who may want to help. Thanks so much.

Tonight I tuned into to the Golden Globes. I don't usually watch awards shows--even Twitter can't influence me to always participate in one of my favorite childhood pastimes. But tonight was different. I cut off the DVR recording of Rick & Morty reruns, and decided to see what was going on with all these gorgeous actors dressed in black. While I was at first dismayed because, "Who cares what rich white women are going to wear to celebrate white mediocrity while they remain rich, and I remain unemployed because my last boss didn't believe I deserved to be employed because black after he hired me over the phone?" Excuse me while I lick my wounds.

I gave myself time,    but it kept taking so long. I gave myself life,   but I desperately wanted to share it with someone. I gave myself love,    but I felt so lonely. I gave myself hope,    but I couldn't shake my fears. I gave myself dreams,    but didn't know how to make them come true. I gave myself a blueprint,    but couldn't figure out how to build. I gave myself a deadline,   but I stared at the ceiling instead.