#XD30 - One - Back at it Again with the Pen
This post is dedicated to XD's 30 Day Writing Challenge.
Writing is something I have always wanted to do professionally. Writing was my third love, after singing and dancing. When I was younger, if I couldn't bellow from the rooftops with my voice box, it was easy for me to sit down with a pen and paper and fill all the journals I possibly could. Unfortunately those childhood notebooks and stacks of paper are nowhere to be found anymore because of the calamitous upbringing I had, but I still remember the feeling. By the age of 14 I had my own computer in my room. After hours upon hours of playing Wolfenstein 3D, solitaire and free cell, I would sit on that Compaq Presario for even more hours typing and typing away in Wordpad or Microsoft Works (this is for my OG computer heads). Before multi-compatible word processors and blog posts, I was typing away in my computer as my first digital diary.
I've never been afraid to tell my story--hesitation was mostly an afterthought. Now that I have children and I understand the nuances and grey area when it comes to exposing others' truths as well as your own, it's become more a measure of foresight. I think about how my truth can affect others as well as myself. Sometimes it scares me, sometimes I just wanna be free.
The first time I opened this blog, it was a way to express thoughts I might not be compelled to share with close to me. You see, I've always known I was different from everybody else around me--not just because of what I'd been through--I just knew deep down my story was one that was not for the feint of heart. A lot of people I'm close to live in a constant sense of denial, which I've come to appreciate as a coping mechanism, but it's always felt so dishonest. A true Taurus through and through, things are usually so black and white for me. It's these damn areas of grey that get me caught up. It's like I never knew they existed until recently.
When I disabled this blog, my heart was instantly broken. It was starting to gain a little bit of notoriety with people I knew. Some loved it, some probably hated it but never said anything about it to me (which I prefer) or if they did I don't remember. I was even starting to catch the eye of some of my favorite celebrities on Twitter. But when I completed my Associate's degree, I wanted to be a serious journalist (why Lawd?). I didn't want my blog's notoriety as being too tongue-in-cheek or its possible take-off because of my sass to discredit my possibilities as a professional. (Seriously, girl? What the fuck were you thinking?) I saved some of the posts from before, but I really wanted to grow in my craft. I wanted to have more extensive experience. If I had to say it, I think that is my only regret in life. I think I should've maintained what I built instead of tearing it down, but I did what I thought was right for me at the time.
Trying to discover your truth, maintaining and supporting a family and revealing the path to your dreams is so heavy, so very heavy. I went to college to learn to write professionally. I wanted to get into a field where I could hone my talents, learn to express myself while also making it a business. I wanted to be a Pulitzer prize winning-journalist. I knew I had a family to support on my own, and I always believed I could do it. Hell, in 2012 I went to the White House with classmates and we made history. I even spent a month in India that summer as a student photographer having only professionally picked up a camera six months prior. In 2007 graduating from college sounded so far away, so off in the distance. I walked across the stage with my bachelor of science diploma in 2013. I didn't actually get to start school until the summer of 2008 because my daughter brought her beautiful self into my life unexpectedly, another decision that was so simple for me at the time in spite of the consequences.
I've always wanted to show the world who I am, in spite of what people may say about me or believe behind my back. My truth is mine to tell, and if I say so myself, I stay pretty true to it. No matter who I share it with, it doesn't really change. I try my best to keep myself honest, aware of my reality, especially in a world where words can have so much power and mean so little simultaneously. That is one realization that has startled me the most: how can words mean so much, but do so little? I give credence to the masters and novices of this art. To those who still put pen to pad, fingertips to keys, and write, write, write, even when they think no one else is looking. Here's to them, and the feelings they give.
Even if nobody else cares, I did this for me.
Writing is something I have always wanted to do professionally. Writing was my third love, after singing and dancing. When I was younger, if I couldn't bellow from the rooftops with my voice box, it was easy for me to sit down with a pen and paper and fill all the journals I possibly could. Unfortunately those childhood notebooks and stacks of paper are nowhere to be found anymore because of the calamitous upbringing I had, but I still remember the feeling. By the age of 14 I had my own computer in my room. After hours upon hours of playing Wolfenstein 3D, solitaire and free cell, I would sit on that Compaq Presario for even more hours typing and typing away in Wordpad or Microsoft Works (this is for my OG computer heads). Before multi-compatible word processors and blog posts, I was typing away in my computer as my first digital diary.
I've never been afraid to tell my story--hesitation was mostly an afterthought. Now that I have children and I understand the nuances and grey area when it comes to exposing others' truths as well as your own, it's become more a measure of foresight. I think about how my truth can affect others as well as myself. Sometimes it scares me, sometimes I just wanna be free.
The first time I opened this blog, it was a way to express thoughts I might not be compelled to share with close to me. You see, I've always known I was different from everybody else around me--not just because of what I'd been through--I just knew deep down my story was one that was not for the feint of heart. A lot of people I'm close to live in a constant sense of denial, which I've come to appreciate as a coping mechanism, but it's always felt so dishonest. A true Taurus through and through, things are usually so black and white for me. It's these damn areas of grey that get me caught up. It's like I never knew they existed until recently.
When I disabled this blog, my heart was instantly broken. It was starting to gain a little bit of notoriety with people I knew. Some loved it, some probably hated it but never said anything about it to me (which I prefer) or if they did I don't remember. I was even starting to catch the eye of some of my favorite celebrities on Twitter. But when I completed my Associate's degree, I wanted to be a serious journalist (why Lawd?). I didn't want my blog's notoriety as being too tongue-in-cheek or its possible take-off because of my sass to discredit my possibilities as a professional. (Seriously, girl? What the fuck were you thinking?) I saved some of the posts from before, but I really wanted to grow in my craft. I wanted to have more extensive experience. If I had to say it, I think that is my only regret in life. I think I should've maintained what I built instead of tearing it down, but I did what I thought was right for me at the time.
Trying to discover your truth, maintaining and supporting a family and revealing the path to your dreams is so heavy, so very heavy. I went to college to learn to write professionally. I wanted to get into a field where I could hone my talents, learn to express myself while also making it a business. I wanted to be a Pulitzer prize winning-journalist. I knew I had a family to support on my own, and I always believed I could do it. Hell, in 2012 I went to the White House with classmates and we made history. I even spent a month in India that summer as a student photographer having only professionally picked up a camera six months prior. In 2007 graduating from college sounded so far away, so off in the distance. I walked across the stage with my bachelor of science diploma in 2013. I didn't actually get to start school until the summer of 2008 because my daughter brought her beautiful self into my life unexpectedly, another decision that was so simple for me at the time in spite of the consequences.
I've always wanted to show the world who I am, in spite of what people may say about me or believe behind my back. My truth is mine to tell, and if I say so myself, I stay pretty true to it. No matter who I share it with, it doesn't really change. I try my best to keep myself honest, aware of my reality, especially in a world where words can have so much power and mean so little simultaneously. That is one realization that has startled me the most: how can words mean so much, but do so little? I give credence to the masters and novices of this art. To those who still put pen to pad, fingertips to keys, and write, write, write, even when they think no one else is looking. Here's to them, and the feelings they give.
Even if nobody else cares, I did this for me.
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